Does the Way You Talk to Yourself Change How You Feel?

Researched, studied and prepared by Tejas Reddy

You may make a mistake at work. The mistake takes a few minutes to correct. But the conversation in your head usually continues for hours.

“Why did I do that?”

“I always get things wrong.”

“What must people be thinking about me?”

Soon, you may end up dealing with two things: the original mistake and everything you have started saying about yourself.

Psychologists have studied these conversations. Their findings suggest that the words we use, and the way we look at ourselves while using them, can substantially influence how we feel.

When the thoughts keeps going in circles in your head

Thinking about a problem can help us understand it. But many times we keep returning to the same questions without learning anything new.

Psychologists call one form of this repeated thinking rumination. It can feel like working on a problem, even when it's actually going over the same issues again and again in our minds.

In a major research review published in 2008, psychologist Edward Watkins examined why repeated thinking sometimes helps and sometimes hurts. One important difference was whether people stayed with broad questions about themselves or focused on the details of a situation.

“Why am I such a failure?” asks you to judge your whole self.

“What went wrong in that conversation?” gives you something more specific to examine.

Watkins’s review found that concrete, detailed thinking often led to better outcomes than broad, abstract thinking when people were dealing with negative experiences. What we think about matters. More importantly, how we think about it matters much more.

A small change in how we address ourselves

Imagine that a friend is worried about an important conversation. You may help them slow down, understand what is worrying them and decide what to tell them.

Can we bring some of that perspective to our own difficulties?

Psychologist Ethan Kross and his colleagues explored this question in a 2014 paper involving seven studies and 585 participants.

Research participants were asked to think about their feelings using different kinds of language. Some used words such as “I” and “me”. Others used their own name and words such as “you”.

In experiments involving public speaking and making a first impression, people in the second group felt less distressed. Independent observers also rated their performance more favourably. After the speaking task, they spent less time going over it in an unhelpful way.

The researchers called this self-distancing. In everyday language, it means stepping back enough to see your situation more clearly.

For example, a person preparing for a difficult meeting might ask:

“Ananya, what are you worried about? What do you want to explain?”

The name creates a little distance. The questions give the thinking a better direction.

Preparing yourself may be especially useful

Laboratory findings raise another question: what happens during ordinary life?

In a study published in 2025, Kathryn Schertz and colleagues followed 208 people for two weeks. Participants received short surveys five times a day about their self-talk and experiences.

When people used distanced self-talk while preparing what to do or say, it predicted a small improvement in positive feelings. The same clear advantage did not appear in the other situations studied, including when people were simply trying to make themselves feel better.

This points towards a useful possibility: self-talk may help when it prepares us to face something.

For Example, before a conversation:

“You are nervous because this matters. What is the first thing you want to say?”

The feeling is acknowledged. Attention then moves towards something the person can do.

Why positive words sometimes fail to help

If words influence feelings, should we keep telling ourselves how wonderful we are?

Research suggests that this can be more complicated.

In 2009, Joanne Wood, Elaine Perunovic and John Lee studied positive statements about the self. In two experiments, participants with lower self-esteem felt worse under conditions that asked them to repeat a strongly positive statement about being lovable, or focus only on how it was true.

The researchers suggested that a statement far from someone’s existing view of themselves might bring opposing thoughts to mind. A person trying to believe something positive may start remembering reasons to doubt it. The experiments showed us the response but exactly why it happened remains an unresolved question.

For everyday conversations with ourselves, this raises an important question: can we find words that are supportive and believable?

After a mistake, “I do everything perfectly” may be hard to accept.

“I made a mistake, and I will work on correcting it” stays closer to reality.

Can we be kind to ourselves and still improve?

Many people worry that being less harsh on themselves will make them careless. They often use self-criticism to push themselves.

Juliana Breines and Serena Chen examined a different approach in four experiments published in 2012: self-compassion meaning responding to our own difficulty with more understanding and care.

Participants who were guided towards self-compassion showed greater motivation to improve in several situations. They reported more willingness to make changes to themselves after wrongdoing. After an initial Failed test, they spent more time studying for the next difficult test.

These findings give us a useful distinction. We can take responsibility for what we did while treating ourselves with care.

“I hurt someone. I need to understand what happened and apologise” allows both responsibility and treating ourselves with respect.

What this means for the conversation in your head

Together, these studies suggest several ways in which self-talk can help us: making a problem more specific, creating some distance from ourselves, preparing a response to the issue and allowing improvement without constant self-attack take us a long way.

We must also keep in mind that the evidence includes short experiments and a study of daily life. It does not promise that a particular sentence will work for everyone or solve a lasting emotional difficulty.

However, the findings offer something practical to understand.

When we worry, we need to notice whether our questions are helping us discover something useful about ourselves.

When criticism comes, we should notice whether we are examining a particular action of ourselves or are we condemning our whole character.

A mistake may need correcting. A difficult conversation may need preparing. A painful feeling may need time and support.

The words we use to talk to ourselves can help us see which of those things is actually needed.

Research sources

1. Watkins, E. R. (2008). Constructive and Unconstructive Repetitive Thought. Psychological Bulletin.
2. Kross, E., and colleagues (2014). Self-Talk as a Regulatory Mechanism: How You Do It Matters. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.
3. Schertz, K. E., and colleagues (2025). The Frequency, Form, and Function of Self-Talk in Everyday Life. Scientific Reports.
4. Wood, J. V., Perunovic, W. Q. E., & Lee, J. W. (2009). Positive Self-Statements: Power for Some, Peril for Others. Psychological Science.
5. Breines, J. G., & Chen, S. (2012). Self-Compassion Increases Self-Improvement Motivation. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin.

Educational material only; not clinical diagnosis or treatment advice.